relationship researcher john gottman coined the term "bids for connection" to describe the small, often easy-to-miss moments where one partner reaches out to the other, not with a big request, but with something small: a comment, a glance, a "hey, look at this."
what a bid actually looks like
bids are rarely dramatic. they look like:
- pointing out something outside the window
- sharing a random thought mid-task
- sighing audibly after a rough moment
- asking an unrelated question just to start a conversation
none of these are big asks. but each one is a small test of whether the other partner is paying attention.
turning toward, turning away, turning against
gottman's research describes three ways a partner can respond to a bid: turning toward (engaging, even briefly), turning away (missing or ignoring it, often unintentionally), or turning against (responding with irritation). his research found that couples who stayed together turned toward each other's bids far more often than couples who didn't, and the difference showed up in bids as small as a comment about the weather.
why this matters more than any single big gesture
a relationship isn't usually damaged by one missed bid. it's shaped, over months and years, by the overall ratio of bids noticed versus bids missed. small, consistent attentiveness compounds in a way that occasional grand gestures don't.
getting better at turning toward
the two hardest parts of turning toward a bid are noticing it in a distracted moment, and remembering the small things that came out of past bids so future ones land with more context. tools that hold onto the details from everyday conversation, like tended, exist specifically to help with the second part.
what is a bid for connection?
a small attempt by one partner to get attention, affection, or engagement from the other — a comment, a glance, a shared thought. coined by relationship researcher john gottman.
why do bids for connection matter so much?
research from the gottman institute found that couples who stayed together consistently "turned toward" each other's bids, while couples who separated missed them far more often. the pattern, repeated over time, predicts relationship stability better than the occasional big gesture.
how do you get better at noticing bids for connection?
slow down enough to catch the small, easy-to-miss moments — a comment, a sigh, an unrelated question — and respond, even briefly. remembering details from past conversations also makes it easier to respond meaningfully in the moment.